Conversation
by Suzuna
Summary: A crazy story that just seems to go from one character to the next! What will happen in this insanity of a fiction? IT's ABSOLUETLY CRAZY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Author's note: This is a bit of a crazy fic. A bit disproportionate as well. It's supposed to be for kicks & giggles, not for accuracy. So, just relax, kay kay?

Warning: It has dirty jokes, swearing, adult scenes, violence, and Xavier the Chocobo Bandit (OH, THE HORROR!). Read if you dare...Muahahahahaaa! (Toccata in D minor is blaring in the background)

Also: Please please please R&R (Read&Review) THANK YOU!

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Sitting on the couch, Cloud grabbed a can of beer, while watching Jerry Springer, his favorite show in the whole wide world. He let out a loud belch and crushed the can of beer on his forehead, while the beer was still in it. Cloud gave a pathetic laugh and fell over on the couch.

He was in his villa in the tropical Costa Del Sol, relaxing to his heart's content. Beer cans, cigarette butts, bras, Chocobo poops covered in whipped cream and tonberry cadavers laid on the floor, he musta had some wacky night last night! Uh-huh!

Tifa walked out from the bedroom, in shock as she saw the living room in a total mess. Cloud looked up, pushing his mauve fleece blanket lower to his waist, and waved meekly. Tifa grunted and kicked several of the cans out of her way, stomping her way towards Cloud. Cloud tried looking around Tifa so he could watch the TV., but it was hard with her huge...shoes. Tifa scowled and yanked the remote from Cloud's hand and turned the TV. off. Cloud whimpered a bit, the bitches on TV. just started fighting over the drunken bus driver with their shirts off. Poor Cloud...he'll never be able to see the rest of the 'hot action'.

Tifa sighed, dropping the remote into her shirt and sat next to him. She frowned sadly and said, "Cloud, honey, we never do anything together anymore."

Cloud looked over lazily and yawned, "Whaddya talkin' 'bout? We had sex five minutes ago."

"That's not what I mean!" she pouted.

"Then go make friends or something, whaddem I s'posed teh do?" Cloud rolled his eyes.

"That's not what I'm trying to get at! We never talk anymore, how am I supposed to know if you're not seeing someone else?" she whined.

"Tifa Tifa Tifa...That's ridiculous, there's no one I love more then you, baby cakes." he coaxed sexily.

"I just don't know. I'm gonna go visit mother." Tifa stood up and walked towards the door.

"Your mom's dead." Cloud reminded her.

"Well, then...my dad!" she added.

"He's dead too." he replied.

"Uh...Aeris?" she said meekly.

"Dead."

"See! This is what I mean! We never talk anymore!" She wailed, storming out the door and slamming it behind her.

Cloud groaned haughtily and closed his eyes. Aeris popped her head out from under the blanket and said, "Cloud, I hate when you call me dead like that, sweetie."

He grunted and pushed her head back under the blanket and cried, "Git yer zombie head back to work, bitch!" and then sighed with total relaxation.

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"You see, mom, I just feel like Cloud and I's love life is, well...dead." Tifa concluded.

Tifa sat on her bed back in Nibelheim, her head dangled low below her shoulders gloomily. She turned her head back up and asked, "What should I do mom?"

A broom stood across from her, leaning against the window lifelessly. Tifa's eyebrows arched as she listened to the birds in the trees go 'tweet tweet tweet' and the squirrels go 'chick chick' and the town people crying 'Oh no! It's Xavier the Chocobo Bandit! AAAAAH!' and Xavier the Chocobo Bandit's guns go 'Kaboom Kaboom' and his chocobos going 'wark wark' and the springs in the other room going 'erk erk' (or whatever the noise rocking springing make) and Yuffie moaning 'Oooh yeeeah, lemme see your big sword! Oooooh yeeeeeah!' and Cloud crying, 'Yeeeeah! Git r doooooone! Yeeeeeeah! Bring it bitch! Yeeeah!'. But her...mother the broom stood silent.

Tifa's eyes filled with tears as she sobbed, "Why don't you talk to me?"

The broom continued giving Tifa the cold cold shoulder.

"Why do you hate me? Why?"

The broom said nothing.

"Why don't you answer?"

Nothing.

"...Your silence says it all, mom," Tifa sniffed as she stood up, "I need to make Cloud jealous! And I know just how to do it!"

She gave a triumphant stance and ran down the stairs, screaming that she knew what to do. Meanwhile, in the other room, the rocking stopped and Cloud asked, "Yuffie? Can you get Tifa's 'mom' in here?"

"It's a broom."

"No she's not! Her mom is a respectable, loving and sexy woman! Go get her!" he shouted.

Yuffie wrapped the blanket around her and shrugged, got the broom from the other room and gave it to Cloud. Cloud snickered as he turned out the lights.

End of Chapter 1

Suzuna's rambling: Wow, thanks for reading chapter one. I giggled a lot while writing this, I hope you did too. I've got no one to thank right now, I hope I will soon.

Vila in Costa Del Sol: For those of you who don't know, you can buy a house in Costa Del Sol. I got one. It's right next to the cafe near the bridge. It's $300,000,(000?). Try earning money in the sunken submarine, that's how I did it. It's cool, I like it.

My apologies:

Tifa: I'm sorry Tifa. I have nothing against you, I just enjoy making fun of your Pamela Andersons (translation: plastic chest)

Cloud: Okay, I have nothing to apologize for. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if most guys are jealous of you. I'm just apologizing so I don't have to do it next time! Muahahahaha... :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7.


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